Hygiene & Self-Care Initials _____
I shall not have to tell you that it's time to succumb to the shower. You will not tell me that it's just your "manly smell." If you decide to grow a beard, you shall keep it neatly trimmed and not attempt to channel your inner mountain man or ZZ Top.
Clothes & Other Apparel Initials _____
Any outfit that I can see the crack of your ass is unacceptable. Also that sweatshirt from college that is now three sizes too small but that you still insist "fits just right" shall not be worn in public. (And if you expect to get laid, really should not be worn around the house either.) No white socks with black shoes. Better yet, no white socks unless you're on the way to the gym. (And don't laugh about the gym part either. Lifting 16-oz bottles towards your mouth in three sets with eight reps does not a workout plan make.)
Sleepwear & Sleeping Initials _____
I don't care what the hell you wear to bed as long as you are not snoring once you do go to sleep. If I get no sleep at all (even if the kids decide to sleep in their own beds for once) because of your excessive snoring, there will be no sex. Repeat after me: No sleep, no sex.
My Time Initials _____
When we are at home, after making dinner and bathing the kids and just before the soul-sucking bedtime rituals, this allotted 30 minutes of the day will be My Time. Leave me the hell alone. Don't ask for the remote control. If you're going to bother me, you better have a lemontini in hand - or a chilled bottle of wine.
During MY TIME you will not:
1. Say "Go ask your mother."
2. Complain about the house being a mess.
3. Ask for anything
4. Say "But I don't know how to do second grade math."
During MY TIME you will:
1. Take out the trash, without being asked
2. Field all phone calls with "The princess is resting now - please call back later"
3. Tell me how beautiful I look in my sweatsuit sprawled across the couch
4. Tell me you love me more with each passing day and you feel blessed to be my life partner
Time Off for Good Behavior Initials _____
Since there will be no trading or negotiations of any kind, you are given chances to earn Good Behavior Days (GBD). To redeem points, I must be notified by 8 a.m. on the day you plan for their redemption.
1 GBD - actually remembering the dates of my birthday and our anniversary
2 GBD - actually purchasing a card that you seemed to have read before purchasing for said observances
3 GBD - actually buying a present that looks like it didn't come from the corner Chevron station on your way home for said dates
5 GBD - making unexpected preparations for a get-away weekend, including lining up babysitters, making reservations and actually having a plan for something to do once we get there.
-1 GBD - Complaining about anything that you damn well could do yourself
-5 GBD - calling at 7 p.m. to say you can't pick up our daughter from school at 6:30 p.m.
-10 GBD - having to come pick your drunk ass up from the bar
Misbehavior & Noncompliance Initials _____
Misbehavior is when you have to be told to do things that any grown person should rightly know has to be done. If you don't want me to tell you how to wipe your ass, then just wipe your damn ass already.
Sleep Time & On-Demand Initials _____
If your excessive snoring continues for more than three months, you may be asked to see a doctor on demand. (The couch is always an option if you don't wish to comply with this point.)
Dressing Initials _____
Let's face it. Most straight males should not be allowed to dress themselves for special events unless there is a tux involved. If you insist on attempting to dress yourself, I have complete veto power...no questions asked.
Shaving Initials _____
You're not Don Johnson, dude. If you don't have a beard, shave daily. If you opt for a beard, keep it neatly trimmed. (And no handlebar mustaches, please.)
Auto & Home Maintenace Initials _____
If I wanted to take care of everything, I'd still be single. Pick something...anything...and take care of it. Without being asked.
Relationship Maintenace Initials _____
"Honey, I'll go get the lube" is not foreplay. Groveling, begging and whining is not foreplay. (At the risk of losing my PG-13 rating, I won't go any further.) ;)